Motherhood and me!
Who am I?
So, this last year has made me think about my role in this world. Well, not obviously on such a vast scale, but by simply asking myself, who am I?
Life was simple when I was younger. I was a daughter and a student. I totally understood what was expected from me at that point, and I was even allowed to have my own ideas for my future. Some of you might think that’s not a big deal, but just think how many women in this world can follow their dreams?! It is XXI century but women are still bracketed for certain jobs, such as a nurse, a nursery nurse, a teacher or being a mom. Yes yes, I know women who are having careers in, what used to be called, a man profession, but that doesn’t change the fact that these gendered stereotypes are still out there.
My biggest fear was that of being a mom. This scared the living hell out of me! Honestly. I have never thought of myself as a mother - well obviously that was until I had my own children ;) The idea of giving up my life and the responsibility of raising a tiny new human being was terrifying. It just really shows you what I thought of the role as a mother.
Mums fears
My fear of being a mom had eased off around the age of me turning 30, I then decided I wanted to have a child/ren. Why, you ask? Good question. Maybe I wanted to have someone who asks me thousands questions about everything and asks me to wipe their bum when I am about to have my coffee and a chocolate biscuit :) But to be honest, I don’t have an answer to it. It has happened and here we are now - two amazing kids later.
However, looking back, this is when I started to feel I was losing my identity. Or rather, I should say, it started to get a bit blurry. I was internally battling with trying to be myself, and also now fitting in to the role of a mother, and at the same time wanting to be the same person I used to be - the party going, life enjoying, late night girl; but somehow, I felt pressured to do things like kinder gym, coffee meetings and baby talking. I knew some things had to change, but I also wanted to keep the parts of myself, I really valued, alive and kicking!
It also wasn’t easy, as my way of being a mom wasn’t the most popular way. I often felt guilty, instead taking my boy to a soft play center with other moms, I took him for long walks. It felt very excluding and lonely sometimes, but this was the real me. Being outdoors and doing something was my way of introducing my child, later children, to my way of living. Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t completely alone, I had friends, but not with children at that point. It was lonely.
I felt conflicted and lost for a few years, but eventually I found my way of being and a happy medium. I then followed my heart, and eventually I started something I had put on the back burner for 10 years, due to having my children. I went to university and trained to become a counsellor. Family life certainly suffered for a couple of years, as I was busy, but I felt this was the right time. This one was for me.
I love my children and I love to do things for them and with them, but also I love myself and I do recognize I need time to nurture me. Although we do things as a family: walking, biking, Zoos and play-dates, I no longer feel guilty for “abandoning” my kids with their dad or grandparents, and taking time off. I have changed, obviously, but mostly by adjusting a bit, and not by forgetting who I was and who I am.
I am a wife and a mother now. But I am also a friend, a woman, a therapist (lately a teacher ;) yet, most of all I am now myself. Which is all of these beautiful parts combined.