Living with a narcissist…
““When I look at narcissism through the vulnerability lens, I see the shame-based fear of being ordinary. I see the fear of never feeling extraordinary enough to be noticed, to be lovable, to belong, or to cultivate a sense of purpose.””
Narcissus - Jan Cossiers (1600-1671) - Prado Museum
The term ‘narcissist’ comes from the ancient Greek myth about a beautiful young man called Narcissus, who was tricked by spirit to fall in love with his reflection in a pool of water. He never loved anyone before and rejected any romantic advances toward him deeming them not perfect enough. However, he became so obsessed with his perfect reflection that he was unable to take himself away from the pool. He pined away in despair until he finally died of starvation.
Picture copyrights https://www.greekmythologyinart.com/narcissus-cossiers.html
Today, the term narcissism is commonly used in the context of ‘Narcissistic Personality Disorder’ (NPD) which revolves around a person’s issues with self-esteem. Although for many of people, these two terms mean the same thing, not every narcissist has NPD. Many of us can possess narcissistic traits but not necessarily develop NPD. Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a medical term and can only be diagnosed by a professional.
There has been a vast number of research into ‘narcissism’ and how it develops. Due to this vast amount of research we fully acknowledge that early childhood experiences shape our future.
In simple terms, if all goes well in our childhood/adolescence stages of development, if we grow up in an attentive, loving and supportive environment, we develop positive feelings about ourselves, and use these to get through difficult times and disappointments later on in life.
However, if our fundamental emotional/physical and psychological childhood developmental needs are not met, it is possible to grow up with a ‘false sense of self’ which can adversely affect how we behave/think towards ourselves and others. We may struggle to form healthy ‘attachments’ and maintain relationships.
For example, we know that child neglect and unmet needs can have an adverse impact on our ‘sense of self’ and our relationships, we may become needy constantly in search for that illusive path of perfectionism and self-worth. Our Ego may well require constant assurance, respect, love and connection. We may to need to surround ourselves with people in order to feed our self-esteem and may well need to seek out others who we deem worthy and deserving of our attention, our wisdom and beauty.
These are just a few of the behaviours and actions of those with a false ‘sense of self’. They have learnt how to avoid unwanted emotions and develop unrealistic expectations along with inflated ego.
When a healthy child grows up with a healthy dose of realism, they learn how to understand themselves through their successes and failures. This is in contrast to the behaviours of a ‘narcissist’, who doesn't understand who they are, they will avoid detach from difficult experiences.
A healthy child develops a true sense of self and carries this through in their adult life. They know themselves and aren’t afraid of their feelings and emotions, unlike the child with unmet needs.
A narcissist will live a life in constant need of checking in with others, looking for assurances and strength, They often hide behind a mask of manipulation and deception by the use of gaslighting. This might be when partners of narcissists find themselves in a relationship where everything is dominated by the other person and their need for control, the partner often loses their own ‘sense of self’.
As for the narcissist, not having a solid ‘assured self ‘ will require constant vigilance, this is to ensure they are not yet unmasked and seen for who/what they really are. This is something that will frighten a ‘narcissist’ immensely as they have learnt to be covert operators.
Boasting or bragging, grandstanding, tantrum-throwing, inconsiderate, holding others to unreasonable high standards, acting above rules, always right, bullying, disregarding other thoughts and feelings, emotionally draining, dismissive and judgmental or making others feel invisible, these are some examples of narcissistic traits and behaviours. I am sure most of us met people who behaved that way at some point in our lives.
So how come we fall for a narcissist?
When dealing with a narcissist, we can expect irrational, manipulative, and controlling behaviour underlined with passive-aggressive tendencies. They will appear strong, self-assured and wise.
They adore you at first, maybe use ‘love bombing’ - over the top gestures, tokens of love and affection, in simple terms they worship everything about you. Through worshipping you, they are giving themselves assurances and stability. Its important to note here, it is very easy/normal to fall for someone who adores you, who thinks of you all the time, who often checks in with you to make sure you are ok and having a nice day, if not they will do everything to make it better, even if it is not what you need or want at that moment. But you won’t tell them this as it would hurt their feelings, so you just go along with it. You see my point here. One day you wake up and see how your life revolves around merely serving a purpose to your partner. You start to notice the subtle manipulations but when you try to have a conversation and try to make yourself equally important, you are met with a wall of accusations and silent treatment, which in turn make you feel more guilty and you try to make up for it. And the cycle is completed, yet goes on……
““If you live your life to please everyone else, you will continue to feel frustrated and powerless. This is because what others want may not be good for you. You are not being mean when you say NO to unreasonable demands or when you express your ideas, feelings, and opinions, even if they differ from those of others.””
Can we do something?
To break this pattern, we have to learn to differentiate the narcissist’s feelings from our own. During an argument, you cannot let emotions take over, as that is where you lose. A narcissist is not an empathetic person. On the contrary, they will feel better offloading their unwanted emotions on you and watching you fall apart, as then they can step in and be the rescuer, a better person, the reasonable one. In other words, whenever you end up an emotional wreck, they come out on top. To not let them offload on you, you need to respond rather than react. Take a step back and assess the situation. Are the feelings yours or theirs? Why are they feeling like that? Maybe, by feeding back to them how you are feeling will help them to attune more to their own feelings. Or, again, maybe not. Nevertheless, you will start breaking the pattern and will be able to act rather than be reactive.
There is no simple solution in harmony with a narcissistic person. but by setting and sticking to your boundaries and looking after your emotions and your well-being (and no, this does not make you a narcissist!) you have a chance to improve your relationship or at least give it a fair chance.